What a Wonderful Day for Science: Synthetic Whiskey is on the Way

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender: I’ll have a double synthetic whiskey on fake-rocks, and make it snappy. Yeah, this is a line from the future, but the future is closer than you think. The future is now. At least, the future of synthetic whiskey. Because after all, who needs the real stuff when you can have a nice glass of synthohol?

Since the scientific establishment of “the current year” already took care of all the world’s problems, such as curing cancer, or establishing a Lunar base, synthetic whiskey was the next shoe to drop right? And why not, another meaningless gadget for the masses, like a $2900 “electric dog. Seriously, this is also real. Moving along with our story, here’s from The Verge:

For more than two years now — from the second floor of a repurposed warehouse in the Dogpatch district of San Francisco — the young scientists and chemists at Ava Winery have been attempting to save the planet and conduct commerce by producing wine without grapes or fermentation. Recently, the company rebranded and shifted its focus: now known as Endless West, it is attempting to make brown spirits without the hidebound utilization of barrels for maturation.

This is the first step into a new era, a brave new world. These guys in San Fran have sort it all out:

In Endless West’s 1,800-square-foot lab, there are no implements ordinarily associated with making wine or whiskey. Instead, one sees chemists quietly sitting at computers beside beakers, gas chromatography and mass spectrometer machines, and something called a liquid handling robot, which is loaded with test tubes that are filled with liquid from “real” wines and spirits.

Star-Trek just got real. Or was it Blade Runner?

The white-smocked bio and analytical chemists are measuring and mapping the molecular profiles of standard alcoholic beverages. There is even a scanning area with an “electronic nose” to measure olfactory properties; something you likely won’t find in a standard winery lab.

The quest is to tease out which “naturally derived” carbohydrates, sugars, proteins, amino acids, and lipids comprise a wine or spirit, and which components encompass the organoleptic profiles of various alcoholic beverages. Key aromatics and flavor molecules are being identified such as citrus-like esters from ethyl isobutyrate and pineapple-y aromas derived from ethyl hexanoate or the buttery qualities found in the compound diacetyl.

Once recognized, neutral distillates or grain alcohol is then added to the recipe to synthetically formulate a wine or whiskey.


You know, science, bitch! Molecules, recipes, synthetically formulated whiskey, whatever. The lesson to be taken home is that whiskey will be cheaper than Coca Cola, and remember where you read it first. It’s also going to be served in ultra high tech bars with lots of led lighting by AI-powered android bartenders, obviously. Who don’t take tips. Or, maybe just the tip, just to see how it feels. This is end of history status for our civilization, right? Our crowning achievement to date. One you achieve synthetic whiskey level, there’s nothing to stop you from joining the Intergalactic Empire, or something.

Why? Because the supply of “genuine” whiskey may be limited, but the demand is virtually unlimited, and that makes for the ultimate bane of any form of sentient life. Synthetic whiskey will end all suffering in the world, mark my words folks. And it will finally unlock space-travel. Everything makes sense now.

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